Posted on: January 19th, 2016 by Kate Perry 2 Comments

For the past four months, my close friend John Dear has been sending me messages to remind me of peace and forgiveness. He’s a peace activist—it’s what he does. But he also has my heart’s best interest in mind, so I always listen.

Surprisingly, it’s not that hard to forgive betrayals by people you trusted. What’s hard: forgiving yourself.

I’ve spent the last several months thinking about all the signs I saw, where I should have acted sooner or differently. Where I should have made people accountable for their actions. I’ve had to forgive myself for ignoring my intuition as well as the hard facts that were so plain to see.

I’ve also had to forgive myself for my part in it all. The “what ifs” can go on forever, until you’re curled up in a ball, sobbing.

But the thing I’ve had to forgive myself most for is my miscarriage.

I haven’t mentioned it before now because I haven’t been able to. My grief was too great. I’d never planned on having babies, but the moment I realized I was pregnant, I fell in love hard.

The miscarriage wasn’t my fault—I know this. But even while I was so sad when it happened, part of me was relieved that I wouldn’t be tied forever to someone who was so unkind. The guilt of feeling relieved is what I’ve been letting go of.

Why am I telling you all this? Because the past few days I’ve been letting go of all of that. Forgiving yourself is hard, but there’s such a peace in it.

Maybe you’ve been beating yourself up about something that you had no control over. Or maybe you made a genuine mistake and can’t find a way to forgive yourself. I don’t know. I do know one thing: you deserve forgiveness and love, just like I do.

I just wanted to tell you that. You’ve been there for me the past few months, and I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you.

2 Responses

  1. Mab3s says:

    Hey Kate. I don’t normally comment on people’s blog. This is my first. I usually get the email updates about your blog but have never checked it out until today.

    I am so sorry for your loss. But most importantly, I want to say thank you for sharing. Thank you for giving miscarriage a voice. Many times we choose to ignore the after effects of this tragedy before it becomes too late. I understand your pain for I’ve gone through it myself three times. I know all about the guilt, the shame, the pain, the envy and the hate that permeates a woman’s heart when a miscarriage happens. This tragedy isolates and removes us as women from our tribe (that’s what my adopted mum refers to our family), our network of family and friends. I did that. I withdrew because of my what ifs. My adopted mum gave me the same advise and through counselling, I was able to let go and start fresh. Forgiveness releases the soul, strengthens the heart and floods the spirit with peace and fruitfulness. Letting go of the guilt takes courage. Remembering the love you have for your unborn child will remind you of the hugeness of your heart for the children that are to come. The future is full when you choose to have it that way.

    Take courage, Kate. This is not the end. It’s only the beginning of good things to come. I know it’s hard to believe this, trust me for I’ve been there before. Just believe each day as you forgive yourself everyday. I still do even now when my baby boy is now a sensitive, beautiful, caring and smart little six-year-old man.

    • Kate Perry says:

      I missed a few comments, and yours was one of them. But of all days to read your thoughts, today was when I really needed the reminder to believe. I’m so grateful you decided to comment on my blog, M. So much love and happiness to you and your family!